I was gone for a while. We were involved in a lawsuit, and while we are still involved in a lawsuit, I feel less paranoid and exposed. Hopefully, I'll start writing again with some consistency. I have missed it.
Today is my birthday. I am forty one. How the hell did that happen? I didn't bat an eye when I turned forty, didn't give two shits about the number. But forty one? Every time I think about it I think "what the hell?". There are no gigantic plans for today. I'm getting a mani / pedi this afternoon and the husband and I are going to dinner after the kid goes to bed. I don't care about birthday celebrations, I never really have. It'll just be nice to go out and have dinner at one of my favorite places and chat with my husband about whatever floats our boat. I picked a dinner place that isn't fancy, I think my husband was a little disappointed in that, but honestly, I am not a fancy girl, and I want me some chicken Caesar salad and baked potato soup from La Madeleine and it's my birthday so THERE. I used to go to that place several times a month (sometimes a week!) and I just love it.
When I turned 35 someone asked me what I wanted to accomplish that year, and I said I wanted to get off the island. The emotional island I'd put myself on. Safe from everything. Alone. Even though I was lonely, I was safe. And I decided that year, that being safe wasn't enough. I set out to let people (and by people I mean men) get close to me. I met my husband 8 months later, got married, had a kid, bought a house then a business and now. I'm 41. And I wonder what I will accomplish this year. I am asking myself the same question now. I would like to resume working out and taking yoga. I would like to leave my current job. I would like to read more, write more, do more of the things that make me feel like me. Does that make sense? It seems that marriage and parenthood have consumed me and I wonder, do I still enjoy the things I used to? There is no way to know without trying them again. Maybe I'll find a new fitness love, maybe I'll discover my writing passion has been replaced with something else. Maybe I'll find joy in something that isn't even in my brain yet. So I guess, what I want to accomplish this year, when it all comes down to it, I want to find myself again.
Wow. I didn't realize how long it's been. Over a month. It isn't that nothing is happening, it's just that so much is happening that finding the time to write has been difficult. The holidays have come and gone. Next up is New Years Eve, then my birthday and then we are done for a while. Not that my birthday is a holiday, obviously, it's just so close to the holidays that it feels like part of the whole thing. Starting in October, everything just gets nuts. My son's birthday, Halloween, my husbands birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, my birthday and then - DONE. It just gets insanely busy. I am not complaining.
So, Christmas. It was not drama free. In fact, I would say it was drama filled. Thanks a lot alcohol, you ruin everything. It wasn't MY alcohol consumption that caused the drama, although the whole thing made me want to drink, a lot. Let's just say that there are people in my family that should probably not drink. Like, ever. I just sat here wondering if I should write down the details of the drama, but I'm going to keep that to myself, for many reasons. Mainly, I don't want to out people in my life, and secondly, my husband and I have sued someone and I have had moments where I imagine my life getting dragged through the mud because these people are not above that, and I've wondered if I should just make everything private so that my crazy thoughts aren't used against me in a court of law, but then I think, fuck that, it's my blog. We'll see what happens. I don't want to talk about the lawsuit, but I will say, when we had all of our facts down and put into a document to submit to the court, holy shit batman! Those people are NOT GOOD PEOPLE. I have known that for a while, but it's sobering to see it all written down in a 16 page legal document, with supporting documentation. The days leading up to the filing and the people being served were tense. I'm glad that part is over, and now we can move forward with the legal part and even though the chances of us getting any monetary compensation, even if mandated by the court, are slim. But it's not just the money. It's the principle. Anyway. So that is happening. It doesn't take up a lot of my brain-space, but it does take up a lot of my husbands, because it's directly related to the business we purchased back in October that he is now running. We've had to remind ourselves that when you buy an existing company, you're buying all of the baggage that comes with it, and this is just part of the deal. We didn't start a new company, so we don't have the trails and tribulations that are associated with getting something off the ground. We have a different set of challenges, and one of them is this lawsuit, others involve staffing and HR stuff. I think my husband is doing an awesome job. When we met, he worked as a project manager in construction, and he'd moved to Texas from Florida because the construction market there died and here in Texas it continues to thrive. I asked him what he liked to do, what he liked about the project management piece of his job, and he jokingly said, "I like to boss people around." And even though that was said in jest - I think there is a nugget of truth in there. I think he likes being the boss, and having control of the direction of things and getting people motivated to see his vision and all that good stuff. He is thriving in the role, and I am so happy for him. For us, really. Because if your spouse (specifically husbands, because that's just how men are) is fulfilled in their work, they are happier in general. I know this from experience. I have a happier husband who enjoys going to work. I wish I could say the same for myself. We have some long term plans for me, but that means in the short term I need to suck it up and keep my shit together at work and just do my job. Even though it often sucks the life out of me and makes me a little stabby. I have to remind myself to keep focused on the bigger picture. Oh but there are days where the small stuff is so loud and obnoxious and life sucking that it's hard not to feel overwhelmed and stuck and that it's going to be like this forever and ever amen. Because it's not. It will change. It's just a matter of waiting. One of the things I hate to do most. WAIT.
Hey look, and entire post where I don't ramble about my kid. It's a miracle.
It is Thanksgiving morning. We are having my dad and step mom over for lunch. The four of us adults, my step brothers daughter and my son. Later this afternoon, after the turkey and stuffing and casseroles, my husbands family will stop by for dessert and a visit. This is a new way to spend this day for us. All of my life, Thanksgiving has been spent with my mom and her side of the family. But since getting married and having a child, we no longer see her on this day. It's not the Thanksgiving of my childhood anymore anyway. My cousin has taken the reigns and hosts the day at his home, with my cousin-in-law's family and our family, and there's booze and football and a bounce house for the kids and when I hear about it later, it always sounds like they had a good time. But it's not the Thanksgiving of my childhood so I don't feel like I'm missing something in a nostalgic sort of way. I hope that this is our new tradition. Thanksgiving here, in my home, with family - whatever family wants to show up. I like not being in the car for big portions of the day. It's nice to be here, in my home, cooking my favorite foods and relaxing with a normal amount of people. I do wish my sister lived here, so that we could visit and cook and chat about goings on. My sister and I have been talking (texting) a lot this last week. After the Miles 4 Meredith 5k race last weekend, we found out that a very good friend of my sisters was in a fatal car accident. Katy was killed, her daughter is still in ICU, in a medically induced coma, and her husband and son suffered only minor physical injuries. But my God. Steve has lost his wife, his 12 year old daughter is in a coma and I can't even imagine how he is managing. How he moves from one moment to the next. My sister and I have talked this week about the tasks that are in front of Steve, and how we can not even wrap our brains around what that road looks like. My sister has her own grief too. This was a good friend. The kind where they could not talk for months and then pick up right where they left off, without missing a beat. They were in the beginning stages of planning a ski trip with their famlies. And now, she's gone. And nothing will ever be the same. It has made me feel grateful for what is in my life. Grateful that I wake up every morning to a snoring husband, a child who wakes up early telling me "I POOP!" when in fact, he did not poop, he just likes to say that. I have a job to complain about, parents who make me nuts sometimes. But I have those things. I am here. They are here. We are here. And for that, I am grateful.