Messy

Back when I started this blog I named it Hide The Mess. Because that is what I'm good at. Shoving things in drawers, under beds, and behind books on a shelves so that at first glance, everything looks neat and tidy. But for the love of God don't open anything or look too closely because you'll find things are a complete mess. This is actually true in my personal life as well as in my actual, brick and mortar house. As long as the outside looks nice and neat and tidy, no one has to know what a mess things really are. There is a misconception among my friends that I'm clean in a Monica Geller type way, but nothing could be further from the truth. My drawers are crammed packed with clothes I do not fold, and my cabinets are a collection of things that don't actually belong in cabinets. Just come help me move sometime, you'll quickly find I am no Monica Geller. I don't keep things clean to an inch of their lives. I simply make sure things look clean on the outside. I'm like that in general. For a long time no one would have known that I was in therapy for an eating disorder and other various emotional issues. On the outside I looked neat and tidy. But inside I was a mess. Sometimes that is still very true. It's probably true for a lot of people.

At some point I changed my blog name to Enjoy Tab. I thought it was funny, because TAB used to be my initials, and I thought inviting the world to enjoy me was sorta funny. Maybe not, I don't know. But I kept the name. Until today. Now the title matches the blog address again. I'm not even sure why I'm doing this now. Not many people come here and that was never the point of this anyway. I just wanted to go back to what this was supposed to be in the beginning. A place where I could dump my messy thoughts out on the table. I have no agenda here, I think maybe at some point I did, but now, I've circled back to why I started this thing in the first place. I just want a place to write. That's all. I hope to write on a more regular basis, but honestly, every time I say that to myself I end up not writing anything for a month or more, and beating myself up for it. Writing things out has always, always been how I work through things. And I've felt stuck in some places in my life recently and so I'm going back to what I know. Writing it out to figure it out.