Oh how I wish we were moved into our new home already. Normally I hate moving but right now, if someone said, get your shit moved by this weekend I would DO IT. The closer we get to moving (est date 2/24) the more confined I feel in this townhouse. The more the walls seem to close in on me a little more each day. And the little things that haven't bothered me about this place are now bugging the shit out of me on an hourly basis. The stairs? HATE. I hate the stairs. I hate vacuuming them. I hate carrying my hefty child up and down them fifty million times a day with a little nugget of fear in the back of my brain screaming "don't fall! don't fall! don't fall!" I hate how we have a stack of paperwork that lives downstairs for days on end because our office is upstairs and we are too lazy to put them away the moment they arrive. Did I mention my hate for vacuuming them? Yeah. SO DONE living here. Ready to be in our house, with space and a yard and a park just up the street. I am looking forward to the spring, where I can put my kid in his wagon and walk to the park. I'm looking forward to standing on the patio with a cup of coffee in the morning watching the birds.
I'm also oddly excited about decorating. I've never been one for decorating. In fact, my line on that subject has always been "I suck at it." But honestly, I don't really know how I am at decorating since I've never really tried. I've always moved into places knowing that I will not be there forever, so whatever efforts I may have put into making it a home were always done knowing that I would have to un-do it all. We'll see how I do with this house. Maybe I'll find something I'm good at, or maybe I'll just confirm that it's not my thing. But I'm going to try.
Recently I weaned myself off the St. John's Wort supplement I was taking for depression. There have been a couple of days since then where I've wondered if that was wise. I would feel this intense saddness - like an elephant was sitting on me - and then it would pass so ... I don't know. Maybe that's just the way I am. Maybe I should just stop trying to supress the saddness and feel it, own it, and then let it go. I just don't want to get stuck there, in the mire and muck that is depression. Maybe the saddness has nothing to do with the supplements, maybe is has everything to do with the constant change that is my life these days. I'm a creature of habit, I like routines and consistency and since having a kid, those things are elusive. We get into a rhythm and then something comes along and fucks it all up and I walk around out of sorts for days until I can get myself back on track.
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