Forks In The Road

I haven't heard back from the mammogram place so I'm assuming everything is fine. Which I knew it would be. I guess no news is good news. Ye Haw.

What sucks is I sort of hoped something was wrong, (I know! Totally fucked up!) Because then the decision about another baby would be made for me and it would be: No. I think - at least this week - that's how we are leaning. I know, I know, I said last week that we made the opposite decision but honestly, I don't think we've committed to either way. And it's kind of jacked up that I hoped some extraneous thing was wrong with me so that I wouldn't have to make the decision, that it would be made for me by virtue of something outside of my control. I guess it should be telling that I had the secret wish that my hand would be forced in the No More Babies direction. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that that is actually what I want. Before we had this kid, I wanted at least a couple of more. But now that I have this baby ... I don't know. It's not that the experience of pregnancy and newborn-ness was so horrible to scar me for life. In fact, the experience has been mostly positive, so, maybe I'm just old and tired and realized that having babies is for young people with their boundless energy and low sleep requirements. Also, this kid is kinda perfect. Also, also. I'm selfish. I don't want to gain all that weight back that took me a goddamn year to lose. Like seriously. I know it's selfish and horrible and I should be willing to sacrifice my own body image for a baby but damn, I really hated how I felt about myself for a good 9 months out of the 12 it took me to lose the weight. That's a long time to feel shitty about yourself, especially since I spent a large section of my early 30's learning how not to feel shitty about my body and then I had a baby and it's like I had to go back to the beginning and take a refresher course on how not to get mired down in self loathing. Also, did I mention my son is perfect? He really is. He is sweet like the sweetest candy you've ever eaten. He smells so good that I want to sit with my nose buried in this neck all day every day. He is funny and he thinks I am SUPER funny. He is stubborn and tricky and confuses the fuck out of me on a regular basis, but I could not ask for a better kid. I would change nothing about him. He is perfect. I love our little family. The three of us. And I keep asking myself, "Is someone missing?" And more often than not, the answer is no. No one is missing. We are all here. I have no idea where we will eventually land on this issue since no one in this house can make up their mind for more than two days at a time, but I do know that no matter which decision we make, there isn't a wrong one. Both paths are good.

Comments

[Tina]

Maggie! I am not ruing the day - I really appreciate the feedback - especially on something that I know so very little about.

[Maggie]

I'm delurking because I noticed awhile back you had a post about finding benefits to being an only child - since I didn't find your blog until well after that post, I didn't bother to comment, but now the issue is up again and I feel free to add my two cents.

ANYWAY, the reason I wanted to comment is that I'm an only child. I'm 42, so I've been one for quite awhile. Rather than being lonely and sad and all of that, I loved being an only for most of my childhood. Only during my teens did I wish I had a sibling mainly so my parents would stop paying so much attention to me so I could screw around more. As an adult it's been good as well. My relationship with my parents is mainly close and when they retired, they moved 3,000 miles here to be closer to me and my family. My kids are their only grandchildren so there are no comparisons and all of that baggage.

My kids are 6.5 years apart as well. After my first, it was quite awhile (over three years) before I even considered wanting a second then there were some complications because I was ancient (biologically speaking). If we hadn't been able to have a second I would have been ok with my son being an only because I know it's actually a pretty nice way to grow up.

You now likely ruing the day I found your blog - you could have avoided long scrolly comments with unasked for information from strangers!