Hide The Mess

This Week Can Suck It

This week:

Monday - Fight with best friend.
Friday - Fight with husband.

I am so glad this stupid, stupid week is over. Maybe in hindsight I can figure out why I picked those fights. Or maybe I already know. I have lost my voice (not literally) and it's like something inside me wants to scream at people on a regular basis because I'm not saying things. I am stuffing so much of how I feel and what I think that it is leaking out of me in ways that I can't always control. Last night I was just awful to my husband for no reason, he was trying to have a conversation with me and I was just an asshole. It's like I was just looking for a fight. I'd been irritated with him all day about something that happened earlier and even though we talked about that thing when he got home and on the surface it was resolved and cleared up, maybe it wasn't. Maybe I wasn't done. I am not a brave fighter when it comes to him. I am an asshole and then quickly try to smooth things over and apologize and get scared. When he put his shoes on as if he were leaving I thought I would have a stroke. He was just going to clean out his truck but then later, when I heard the garage door and saw his truck leaving, oh my god, the panic. I called him on his cell phone and made him promise he was coming back. I know it's irrational and I know logically in my head that he's not leaving, but sweet Jesus, something happens and I feel so panicked and insecure and scared. When does that get better? When will that feeling not be so huge? When will we be able to have a fight like normal people and I don't immediately think he's going to leave me? When will that fear go away. Because I am sort of done with it, you know? 

The BFF is going to start working more hours at her other job. She received a promotion and raise and is expected to put in more time, so we will definitely be putting the Wee One in traditional daycare. I have moments where this sounds so awesome to me. He'll get to be around other babies and socialize and do fun things and then, I'll let my mind go to the actual leaving him there part and I want to cry. Leaving him with strangers is frightening to me. I know he will be fine, it's me I'm not so sure about. Oy. I dread that.  

Sometimes I get the whole wife and mother thing wrong. This has been one of those weeks where everything I touch turns to shit. I am just going to keep telling myself that today will be better.

haphazard

I had a blog post that I wrote inside my head. Now it's gone. I have no idea what I was going to write about but I'm sure it was going to be awesome.

Instead I'll detail our weekend, which was eye opening. My husband is not smoking, so now he is restless. He doesn't know what to do with himself. And things taste strange and smell strange and he feels weird and a little stoned (I suspect from the oxygen getting to his brain).  I am just so proud of him. He smoked for over 20 years and to simply put them down and walk away like that takes some guts. We went to a party with a fair amount of smokers this weekend and he just chewed the shit out of his gum and tried to keep himself occupied. We met one man at the party who'd quit four years ago after smoking just as heavily as my husband so he was full of positive reinforcement. It was nice how encouraging everyone was, not that I expected anything different from this crowd, they brim over with awesomeness, but it was still nice to have the encouragement coming from someone besides me.

But oh boy has his quitting impacted me. I am constantly aware of him now, and maybe some of that is because of the coughing up blood scare, but I keep track of him on my radar even when we're at home. I wonder what he's doing, if he's ok, does he need something. I can see how my constant attentiveness might start to grate on his nerves, but it's only been a few days, so I'm going to mother hen him for a little while, at least until after his doctors appointment this week.

In work news, it looks like the deal is done. HR meetings this week with our new company and hopefully a transition plan. It is going to be nuts. I'm just happy it's done and that we all still have jobs.

I was invited to a birthday party for this weekend. I declined. Mainly because hanging out at a bar right now is kind of the last thing I feel like doing. Also, an ex-boyfriend is invited and I just don't feel like dealing with it. I can't make this friend not be friends with him, but I can take myself out of the picture when he's invited. It's my choice, she can be friends with whoever she wants, but honestly, I feel slighted by the decision. Thing is, she wasn't friends with him while he and I were in a relationship, so it's not like I'm trying to get her to pick sides, I just wish she could see things from my perspective, and trust me, I have asked her to and tried to talk about it. But with little results. So if she's having a party and we're both invited, I'm just not going to go. Maybe that makes me petty, I don't know.

friends, family, crafts & weight

I told a friend that I felt betrayed by something she continually did and that it made me want to put up a wall in our friendship. I didn’t get much of a reaction, just an “oh really” and then she moved on to other topics. And that is when I decided to put some distance between us. I keep wondering if I should tell her that’s what I’m doing or just let her figure it out. Maybe if I were a better person I would tell her, but a part of me feels like I already did and got blown off so… ok. Fine.  I guess I’m waiting for her to say something to me but since I know her and have been friends with her for more than a decade, I already know she isn’t going to say anything. She’s let me put space and distance in our friendship before and said nothing, so I guess this will be a repeat of that. Maybe that is the cycle of this particular relationship. I am still on the fence about whether I’m ok with that.

Other things are fine. Our Thanksgiving was pretty fun. We cooked for my Dad & Step Mom, watched the Cowboy game and then had dinner with the in-laws. It’s the first time I’ve seen my Dad on Thanksgiving in almost 10 years. This bothers my husband a lot and I have a feeling that future Thanksgivings will include him. I don’t know how or when it was decided that Thanksgivings were spent with my Mom’s family, maybe because they have the big hoopla and my Dad’s family doesn’t so growing up we always went to my Mom’s family for Thanksgiving, my Dad’s family for Christmas Eve and back to my Mom’s for Christmas Day. I was 15 when they divorced so I think keeping that order of things at the time was important. Our world had already been turned upside down so I can see how keeping the holiday traditions intact was important. But dude, that was over 20 years ago. My sister stopped going to my Mom’s Thanksgiving when they moved to Kansas and drop in occasionally when they can work it into their schedule, which is easier now that they are back in Texas. And now that I’m married I understand that holidays are going to work differently. That things will change, and I won’t do the things I have done for 30+ years. I am really fine with it. I don’t mind going to a couple of places on the holidays – but my family makes it hard sometimes and there were years where I bounced from place, to place, to place, to place to make everyone happy. All it did for me was make me bitchy and miserable. Not quite the attitude I’m looking for during the holidays. It will be interesting to see how things go this year. It could be the year that everything changes. I think I am ok with that.

I’ve started crocheting. I haven’t actually made anything; I’m just putting a bunch of rows together – getting the hang of things. So far, I am digging it. More than I ever dug making that quilt, so that’s a good sign. I’m going to meet The BFF this week and she’s going to show me how to do things like – END THE DAMN THING. Ha. I know how to start, but I do not know how to finish! The first piece I started working on is so awful that it has turned back in on itself and become awesome in its own hideous sort of way. I am very excited to show it to her so she can admire how awful it is with me! The Husband and I went to the fabric store on Black Friday because they were having a sale on yarn and he picked out something for me to make him a scarf out of, we’ll see how it goes. He might never wear it – or he might wear it once and then quietly place it in the back of his closet. I think he might fear a crocheted scarf on a dude is gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! But you know, we all have our limits. I married a man who is very much a dude. Builds things with his hands. Works on cars. Can fix ANYTHING. Seriously. He really can. It is quite awesome.

I am unhappy with my weight.
That’s all. And no, that is not a new thing. It’s just something that is on my mind a lot lately. Because my clothes are tight. I need to go on a diet or start working out harder – actually I should probably do both. Instead I purchased some diet pills. I checked online and apparently they suck, so … that was an unwise purchase. I probably should have researched BEFORE I purchased. I think I want to try Jillian Michaels QuickStart Rapid Weight-Loss System. I have a wicked girl crush on her and would very much enjoy her yelling at me. Maybe I’ll ask for one of her DVD’s for Christmas.

loyalty

I made the mistake a few years ago of getting involved with a coworker. Obviously, that ended, I moved on and I'm married to someone who is ten times more awesome than THAT guy could ever dream of being. But I still work with this jerk. Sometimes, it is such a non-issue for me. I don't give him or our history much thought. But other times, it comes roaring back. All the heartache I felt, how he was such an asshole, and the myriad of reasons why I should have never gotten involved with him in the first place. All that shit comes to the surface. Usually what sets it off is when one of my really good friends (who also works at the same company) hangs out with him. I understand that sometimes, for work, it's necessary to socialize with your coworkers. If she gets invited to a happy hour and he's there, that should be ok. But sometimes, it's not. Sometimes I feel betrayed that she's hanging out in bars with him. Granted, it's not just the two of them and it's not romantic, it's a little clique of people at work who go to happy hour quite often, and she's now on the list of invitees. I am not. Which is fine. Or maybe it's not fine. Maybe the problem isn't that she and my ex are at the same social events on a regular basis, maybe it's that I'm not invited. But seriously, I don't want to hang out with those people. They are the Cool Kids, or at least they THINK they are and it feels too much like high school for me. So I don't know. I don't know why I always feel so betrayed when she goes to these happy hours. Maybe I want her to pick her friendship with me over them. Maybe I want her to at least acknowledge that she knows it makes me uncomfortable. It isn't that she doesn't know, she does. We've talked about it. So I don't really know what to do next. I don't know if it's enough of an issue for me to talk to her about it again, I don't know what it is that I want from her. I don't want to say "It's me or them." because that feels juvenile, which, lets face it, sometimes I am very juvenile. But I think in my heart, I want her to pick our friendship over them and when she doesn't, it stings.