Hide The Mess

woe is me w/r/t child care. (sarcastic font needed)

We have a pretty sweet child care situation. The BFF watches our son three days a week and there is no one I trust more with my kid than her. Seriously. She loves him so much. It's awesome. Ok, now that I have said all of that, I am going to complain about my child care situation. I think what is really clear to me is that no one will ever take care of our son the way I do. No one. Not even my very best friend in the entire world. She and I are similar in places when it comes to parenting, similar in the very important areas. But we're different is some lesser, not a big deal in the grand scheme of things areas. And it's those places that start to bother me and I have to have an internal dialogue with myself about how even though the kid isn't being cared for MY WAY he is being cared for by someone who genuinely loves him and has his best interest at heart. I have that dialogue with myself, often. Because I really have to keep in focus the big picture and that is: I'm not dropping him off with strangers in a daycare for 8-9 hours a day. I'm dropping him off with family who love and adore him. My nieces, especially the almost 10 year old (aside: when did THAT happen! she was just a wee one, like, yesterday. wft?) always want him to stay and want to help take care of him. Although, the almost 10 year old does find getting spit up on fairly disgusting, so hopefully this exposure to a baby will also serve as a form of birth control and how sad is it that I have to think in terms of birth control for a 10 year old? These kids nowadays. Such whores. Not saying my niece is a whore or even has whore like potential (she does not!) but you know, everything happens faster now. Shit that wouldn't even enter my brain until I was a teenager is all up in these girls faces before they hit double digits. It's frightening. I totally blame the internet.
So anyway, I am grateful that we have the child care set up that we do, but there are days where I feel upset when it seems like he's not cared for the way I would like. It's all minor stuff so I try to just let it go. But sometimes I need to complain just to get it out of my head, so it doesn't start to come out sideways in some sort of passive aggressive bullshit.

Know what I should be doing right now? Instead of sitting here on the internet, I should be on the treadmill in our garage. The baby is sleeping. The husband is sleeping. It would be the perfect time. And prior to having the kid, that's what I would be doing. I'd hit the gym early on a Saturday morning to get it out of the way. I don't know what's happened to my motivation but I have got to get back on track. Even though we aren't going to Florida in two months (too much $$ and we want to buy a house, so no Florida) I still need to get my ass in gear and get some of this weight off or I will spiral down into a depression and I really am in no mood for that shit.

motivation

I am having a hard time finding motivation at work. I drink Red Bull and listen to my head phones and yet I still don't really want to be there or do the job that's on my desk. I don't know what I want to do really. I'm in my sixth year at the bank and this is now officially my longest place of employment and ... I don't know. I feel restless. But the thought of looking for a job, especially right now, oh hell no. So I'm staying, but dude, my desire to be there is pretty damn low. I should take a couple of vacation days, but I won't. I'm saving the rest of my vacation time for the holidays. Although I do have two months of six time ... hmmm ... it's very tempting to use that. But I won't do that either. Because of karma.

I need to go to the book store in the worst way. I think this is the first time in years that I don't have a stack of books waiting to be read. I read the way I do most everything, in a binge / purge sort of way. And right now, I'm in the mood for a binge. I finished Good Family by Terry Gamble and... eh. It took me forever to read it, partly because it was the book in my gym bag and my gym going has become sporadic - I'm blaming the move - so it took me forever to read, but honestly, it was just boring. There were entirely too many descriptions of the decor for my taste. I don't care so much about the curtains and decorations of the house - I want to know about the people. Some of them were interesting and had depth, but honestly, the minutiae about the surroundings was distracting and I skimmed large sections because I could not read anymore about the linens in the bedroom. I finished that book and thought "Thank GOD that is over". I realize that at any time I could have put it down and read something else, but that goes back to my original problem: I'm out of books. And all of my back up books, books that I will read over and over are packed away somewhere. Yes, that's right. I'm still unpacking. THREE WEEKS LATER. It isn't that we are lazy, I swear. It's just we don't have a place for some things and until we do, what's the point of taking it out of the box just to stack it on the floor and make me crazy with clutter? No point. So until we have book shelves, the books will stay packed. I have a list of books I want to look at and I guess I could order them online but that would rob me of wandering around the bookstore and that is one of the simple pleasures in life.

Here's Jacob napping. Just because.

Shit I Should Be Doing Instead of Screwing Around On The Internet

1. Fold the laundry sitting in a basket in the hall that The Big Fat Boy Cat thinks is his Royal Kingdom. I think he thinks I can’t see him or something, he’s all very Mission Impossible in there. He’s lucky those are only towels.

2. Wash my car. I’ve only done it once since I bought it and that’s just negligent.

3. Paint the stupid ass dining room chairs … yes … the same dining room chairs that I screwed up months ago and have been pretending do not exist when I walk past them. I am quite skilled at pretending things do not exist. It’s how I ended up in jail. Huh. Maybe that’s not so much a skill.

4. Organize the stack of pictures I just keep moving from one table to the other. First on the dining room table, since I avoid looking at that anyway, then on the coffee table, and now back on the dining room table. God. And I can’t even think about the stacks of pictures in my hall closet or my head just might explode.

5. Clean out my closet. It’s now to the point where I’m about to just go buy more hangers instead of cleaning it out. Oh and the drawers … Jesus Christ …  can’t fit anything else in there … in fact my gym clothes now just live in a little stack on top of my dresser. It’s pathetic.

6. Mop the floors. I’ve done this once since I moved here … A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. I spot clean, with Pine-Sol and those Clorox wipes, but I need to get the damn mop out and get to it.

7. Tea Stain the new bed skirt I just bought, because I got the wrong color and so I figure I’ll be all crafty and tea stain it so it looks antiquey. My follow through on crafty projects is less than stellar. To wit: The dining room chairs.

And yet … I just sort of sit here on my ass, surfing the net, reading about other peoples lives because they are way interesting, download music,  and generally just fucking off.