So on my calendar for today it says: "Baby due!". I remember writing that there too. Thinking that it seemed SO! FAR! AWAY! But it's here already, the due date everyone fixates on, everyone except for me. Although I admit I have felt crazy the last few days. Like I'm being held hostage by my uterus. But I've thought in my head this entire pregnancy that I would have a baby sometime the end of October, first of November. And I still think that way. Granted, other people bugging me about being due and wanting updates can be a little bit tiresome, but ... whatever. I don't think I'm having this kid until next week sometime, quite possibly on my husbands birthday, so ... while today does feel significant, I don't feel disappointed that nothing is really going on with the baby delivery parts. Maybe I'm so positive today because I got some good sleep. I swear, it's like magic, if I can just get 6 hours in a row, I'm golden. It's when it's 6-8 hours of shitty sleep because I am UNCOMFORTABLE in all positions, my mood the next day is sort of depressing. It's also been nice today because I'm working from home, so I didn't have to put on my uncomfortable work clothes and shoes and go to the office and sit at my desk with nothing to do because they are just waiting for me to go out. Working in my yoga pants and sitting on the birth ball all day has been NICE. For real. I wish I could bring this ball to the office, but I have a feeling everyone would think I'm weird. I may work from home again tomorrow, we'll see, I'm trying not to check out early but it is oh so difficult! Especially when really what is uncomfortable is the clothes. If I could wear this tank top and these yoga pants to work, I wouldn't give a second thought to working from home.
One of the things I'm having a hard time with right now is I'm starting to feel defensive with The BFF about things, and I don't say anything out loud because I think I might be irrational, but I am without a doubt on the defense when we talk about babies and child care. I don't know if maybe I'm just dreading going back to work after the baby is born and leaving him in anyones care, even though I would rather it be her than anyone else because she already loves, loves, loves this baby and she knows me and knows my brain and all kinds of stuff. It's not like I'm going to be leaving my 3 month old with a stranger. Thank God. So why I feel so defensive sometimes when we talk about it ... I don't know. Logically, I know she is the best choice, she is the only choice that I can even think about and yet sometimes I just want to scream in frustration, mainly because I'm living in the future which is absurd and insane and I should STOP IT right now, because seriously, WTF? I'm worrying about shit that is going to happen in 3 months? Really? Ugh. I am now annoyed with myself, because if I'm going to worry about anything it should be how I'm going to get this fat baby out through my vagina.