Hide The Mess

Due

So on my calendar for today it says: "Baby due!". I remember writing that there too. Thinking that it seemed SO! FAR! AWAY! But it's here already, the due date everyone fixates on, everyone except for me. Although I admit I have felt crazy the last few days. Like I'm being held hostage by my uterus. But I've thought in my head this entire pregnancy that I would have a baby sometime the end of October, first of November. And I still think that way. Granted, other people bugging me about being due and wanting updates can be a little bit tiresome, but ... whatever. I don't think I'm having this kid until next week sometime, quite possibly on my husbands birthday, so ... while today does feel significant, I don't feel disappointed that nothing is really going on with the baby delivery parts. Maybe I'm so positive today because I got some good sleep. I swear, it's like magic, if I can just get 6 hours in a row, I'm golden. It's when it's 6-8 hours of shitty sleep because I am UNCOMFORTABLE in all positions, my mood the next day is sort of depressing. It's also been nice today because I'm working from home, so I didn't have to put on my uncomfortable work clothes and shoes and go to the office and sit at my desk with nothing to do because they are just waiting for me to go out. Working in my yoga pants and sitting on the birth ball all day has been NICE. For real. I wish I could bring this ball to the office, but I have a feeling everyone would think I'm weird. I may work from home again tomorrow, we'll see, I'm trying not to check out early but it is oh so difficult! Especially when really what is uncomfortable is the clothes. If I could wear this tank top and these yoga pants to work, I wouldn't give a second thought to working from home.

One of the things I'm having a hard time with right now is I'm starting to feel defensive with The BFF about things, and I don't say anything out loud because I think I might be irrational, but I am without a doubt on the defense when we talk about babies and child care. I don't know if maybe I'm just dreading going back to work after the baby is born and leaving him in anyones care, even though I would rather it be her than anyone else because she already loves, loves, loves this baby and she knows me and knows my brain and all kinds of stuff. It's not like I'm going to be leaving my 3 month old with a stranger. Thank God. So why I feel so defensive sometimes when we talk about it ... I don't know. Logically, I know she is the best choice, she is the only choice that I can even think about and yet sometimes I just want to scream in frustration, mainly because I'm living in the future which is absurd and insane and I should STOP IT right now, because seriously, WTF? I'm worrying about shit that is going to happen in 3 months? Really? Ugh. I am now annoyed with myself, because if I'm going to worry about anything it should be how I'm going to get this fat baby out through my vagina.

Due Date

My due date is in one week. It kind of means nothing really, I know it's a guesstimate, that it could be plus or minus two weeks, which means it could be RIGHT NOW or three weeks from now. Oy vey. The thought of three weeks from now makes me sad. I would just like to meet this child already thankyouverymuch. At my prenatal appointment yesterday the midwife told me to just ignore my body for a while and not worry about when the baby will come. She encouraged me to finish up little things I want to do around the house, read a book or watch movies or TV  - anything but obsess about having this baby. Because that's counter productive. She said "Trust me, you are not going to miss going into labor, you will know when it's real, so just relax." So I am trying to do just that. What I would like is for other people to also do the same. Clearly, if you can see me with your eyeballs and I still look like I've got a watermelon stuffed up under my shirt, I have not had this baby yet, so don't ask. I think people are about to annoy me a lot and I'm sure "annoy" isn't the same thing as "relax". Since the appointment yesterday I actually do feel pretty zen about the whole thing. I'm up this morning, I'll go to the office (boo! I like working from home!), I'll come home and do my walking, spend time with my husband and just chill. We have nothing left to do for the baby, so I'm just going to try and enjoy the last days (weeks?) before our house gets turned upside down with a baby.

Self Doubt

I have moments where I am filled with self doubt. The nagging feeling that you're not who you think you are and that it's about to become abundantly clear that you've been fooling yourself. When I think about having a natural, un-medicated childbirth I have moments where I am totally confident and know that I can do it. And then... and then... the doubt. What if I am not as strong as I think I am? What if I am not up to the task? I have not done everything I'm supposed to to prepare, but I have done most things. Is that good enough? I don't know. We'll find out I guess. I am not quite as diligent or disciplined as I thought I would be during pregnancy, I have not worked out the way I thought I would and I have not kept my diet all neat and tidy either. I have slipped around on the slippery slope of foods I probably shouldn't eat. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have not been perfect at this thing and I have gained more weight than I wanted and while those around me are confident that getting back down to my pre-pregnancy size will be a breeze, I am not so sure. I do not feel as confident in myself as they do. Although, I do think I'll be able to get the weight off, I'm just not so sure it's going to be as easy as everyone else seems to think. My best friend told me: "I know a lot of women who struggle to lose those last 10lbs of baby weight, so while I think you'll lose the bulk of it, maybe you'll have trouble too, I don't know." And THAT was honest and THAT seems realistic to me. Sure, I might drop a bunch of weight at the beginning, but there could always be those last 5-10 lbs I can't get rid of like a lot of women on the planet. How the hell did I get off on weight here? That really isn't where I was going with this. I think where I was going, and I am seriously no longer sure what my intentions were when I sat down so now this post is going to be full of random shit, but where I think I was going was the whole "Doing it perfectly" mentality. I have not done pregnancy perfectly, I have not done my childbirth preparation perfectly and I will more than likely not do the whole childbirth thing perfectly either and I have to just let that go, because when it comes down to it, perfection is a disappointing goal.

Columbus. Cat. Brat.

I love that I'm off for Columbus Day. It's one of those weird bank holidays that sort of sneaks up on you. I don't have anything special planned, just a prenatal appointment and a couple of errands. I might bake some cupcakes or brownies or something. I'm just in that sort of mood lately. I think it's this time of year, during the spring and summer months I don't bake much, but come fall, I find myself looking at food porn and trying to find easy but (what I hope are) yummy treats. I like the Sandra Lee approach, semi-homemade. I like taking something out of a box and tweaking it a little. We'll see if I get inspired to do anything like that today or if the rain will sap all my early morning energy. (Highly likely!)

I've found Jacob (the cat) in the baby's crib twice now. I'm not sure if he's just discovered he can get in there or what, but that crib has been set up for about a month (or more) and neither he or the Old Lady cat have paid it much attention - except to hide underneath it. I have the door closed to the room now but I don't want it to always be that way. I'm hoping that when there is a baby in there making noise and such he won't want to be anywhere near that crib. I could be creating false hope for myself.

Yesterday I was a brat to my husband. He didn't deserve it and told me he didn't appreciate it and he was so right and I was so wrong and I hate it when I disappoint myself in that way. I apologized, he accepted, now I have to let it go, but that is one of the things I have a hard time doing sometimes. Letting myself off the hook and not spending a vast amount of energy trying to make up for my less than perfect behavior. Why can't I just let it go after the apology is accepted? Why must I keep the imperfection in my head and replay it and say mean things to myself inside my head about how I don't deserve this person and that I'm not good enough for him, because seriously, I know logically that is some serious bullshit. When I sit here and write that out I know it's absurd, but there it is nonetheless, pecking at my brain like a bird. Honestly, being pregnant has created an atmosphere for insecurity to breed, and I hate how easily that insecurity slipped in and started roaming around my brain. I do hope that after having the baby some of my confidence returns, that I feel more like myself and less like a big, lumbering, pregnant woman. We'll see. Thankfully we have just a few more weeks to go - if that long!

Waiting Game

We only have a few more weekends (at most) before the baby is born, just a few more weekends of laying around in bed, drinking coffee, reading the Sunday paper with no infant in the bassinet or in the next room or hell, in the bed with us. It's an odd sensation knowing that one day soon we'll come home with a newborn and nothing will be the same again. I don't mean that in a bad way at all. But I will miss the short 3 years we've had where it was just the two of us. My husband wants to just get in the truck, drive somewhere and get a hotel, and just be away, be somewhere different. I don't know where or how far we're going to go (probably not far since I'm 9 months pregnant) but I think he's feeling it too, that the last few days and weeks of being just husband and wife are coming to an end and I think he wants to make the most of it. I'm glad he wants to do that, although I've kept to myself that I'm not entirely jazzed about driving far away while I'm this pregnant, but even if we only make it 2-3 hours out of town, that's fine. A part of me wants to keep it close to the house and a part of me wants to just jump in the truck and go - because nothing is really happening in terms of the baby right now. I'm having zero early labor symptoms - no loss of the mucus plug (so gross, yes?), no water leaking, no crampy contractions. So my gut says it's fine, but the section of my brain that likes to worry, worry, worry, has been trying to distract me. We talked about doing this last night, so it could change today, we could decide not to do anything at all. I'm actually good either way. I just want to be around my husband, and soak him up. We have most of the baby stuff taken care of, there are odds and ends we need to pick up - a trash can for the baby room, a hamper of some sort and a rocking chair but all the big stuff is done. We're just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. It really is my least favorite thing to do.

Earlier this week I had lunch with my Dad and we discussed how my sister is hurt that she's not going to be in the birthing room. The entire discussion pissed me off and the more I thought about it the more I realized that I don't want anyone there waiting for the baby to be born. We'll just call them when he's here and have them come up to the birth center then. What solidified that decision was during our birth class our instructor talked about how being able to relax is one of the most important things about natural childbirth and if there are people there who stress the mom out it's the dad's job to get them to leave. My husband and I looked at each other because we have had numerous discussions about when to call and when we want people there and honestly, if we were giving birth in a hospital with a waiting room, fine, come whenever you want and wait however long you want, but we're not. We're at a birthing center which is an old Victorian house and it doesn't have a waiting room it has a living room that is just outside the birthing room and if you're on the other side of that door you can hear everything and I know that and if there is a bunch of my family on the other side of that door I don't know if I'll be able to really relax. My husband is convinced I won't be able to relax at all, and to be honest, I'm not sure he'll be able to completely focus on what's going on if there are a bunch of people waiting on the other side of the door, so I think we're just going to tell our families that we'll call after he's born and they can come on up. His family will be fine with that, and might even wait until the next day and just come to our home and see him, but my family seems like it's going to be an issue, and I don't know if I care anymore. I can't keep worrying about their feelings because my goal is to get this baby here and if that means they all need to just wait at home, so be it. They can all just deal. It seems selfish and harsh but hopefully I'm underestimating my family a little and they will all just roll with it.

Another post about babies.

At my prenatal appointment yesterday the midwife actually ventured a guess on this baby's size - she said he feels about 6 1/2-7 pounds, and in another 3 weeks, he'll probably be around 8lbs. We'll see. I know it's only a guess. But I have a feeling he's going to be a big fat baby. Or at least I hope he's a big fat baby! Don't get me wrong, I don't want him to be obese or anything, but you know, just fat in a healthy sort of way. When I left I asked the midwife if there's anything I need to do (like homework) and she just said "now we wait, so make sure your bag is packed." For some reason, hearing her say that, I had a moment of OHMYGODWEAREHAVINGABABY! I have known we're just waiting at this point, that there were no more tests to run or things to wait for but to hear her say it sort of brought it all home. Man. Who is tired of baby talk? I guess I just have that in the front of my brain all the time now and all my other thoughts, feelings and emotions are on hold somewhere. I'm sure once this boy is living on the outside of me I'll be able to hear my own inner voice again, the one that is self centered and all about me. But right now, all I can think of 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, is BABY! I guess I've turned into one of those annoying women. Sorry.

 

How's the weather?

Oh how I love this weather! It's in the 70's, sunny and just a little breezy outside and it's perfect throw open the windows weather, which we have done. I also made a pumpkin cake so it smells like pumpkin and fresh air in here and it is quite intoxicating. It makes me want to bake something pumpkin flavored every single day!
This weekend we got so much done. Things for the baby room that hung over my head like a cloud. I'm glad to have a chest of drawers in the baby room and all his little teeny tiny clothes finally put away instead of sitting in laundry baskets on the floor. We're going to hang another picture in there and get the baby monitor (it's a video monitor and I can't WAIT to have a baby to watch on that thing!) positioned and hung up as well. We have sheets for the portable crib in our bedroom (finally) and a mattress cover for the crib (also, finally). See? We have been busy bees over here and it feels really great. The rest of this Sunday will involve finishing laundry, doing the ironing and making dinner. None of those things require me to shower - ha! But I'm going to anyway because I feel kinda gross.

We're kind of in a countdown mode, but not really. I'm 37 weeks pregnant on Tuesday and now it's just a waiting game. For some strange reason I keep reading that 37 weeks is considered full term but I'll just stick to the traditional 40 weeks because I think that whole 37 week thing is bullshit and is out there so Mom's who induce or c-section early don't feel like they are underbaking their babies. I, on the other hand, am content to let him bake as long as necessary. Even though I am wicked uncomfortable sometimes and my feet are swollen like crazy and the carpel tunnel is a total BITCH - it's all minor and temporary and I'd rather have a big fat baby than a little skinny one. Although, who the hell knows what this baby is going to be like, his dad is long and skinny so it's very likely that no matter how long he bakes he'll be a lean baby pooping machine. Or he could end up like me - almost the weight of a toddler when he's born. I hope he's in the middle somewhere.

Violated in two places

Anytime there's an acquisition people will be laid off. Doesn't matter what senior management promises in the beginning, that's just the way things go. I really hope I'm not laid off right now. I'm pretty sure pregnancy doesn't exempt me from it, I mean they can't lay me off BECAUSE I'm pregnant, but if my job is eliminated and I happen to be knocked up? Too bad. Buh Bye. As much as I am looking forward to maternity leave it does make me nervous to think I'll be out of the loop on things for 3 months. So much can happen in three months! Fortunately I have friends on the inside who have promised to keep me up to speed.

I'm at the point where I'm having weekly prenatal appointments. On Monday I was VIOLATED by a q-tip for some group b strep test. Violated in two places! Why do they need to stick a q-tip up my pooper? Really, is that necessary? You totally lose all sense of dignity when you're pregnant, I'm pretty sure that's just to prepare you for the indignities of labor and delivery. I hope I test negative for group b strep, I don't want to have to take antibiotics via an IV the entire time I'm in labor. I mean, I'll do it, of course, because this is one of those things you don't roll the dice on, but still, I'd rather not have to jack with it.

Speaking of labor and delivery. I have so much to do before we head to the birthing center. Not stuff for the baby really, stuff for me and the husband. When you use a birthing center you have a lot of freedom, which means we get to bring a cooler full of food and drinks and I get to wear whatever I'm comfortable in. The thing is, I have never been in labor so I have no idea what will be comfortable or what I'll want to eat, so... I keep putting off getting those things together because I am a chronic over packer and I don't want to end up being that lady who brought two full sized suitcases to the birthing center. Also, weather in Texas in October? That's a crap shoot. Could be rainy. Could be warm. Could be cold. NEVER KNOW.
Sigh. I know, I have such big problems.

Confession

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking, wanting to have a kid. Then I feel guilty for wishing for my old body, or the ability to have a drink and a smoke. But there it is. Hanging around me sometimes, that little nagging voice that says What The Fuck Were You Thinking? Having a kid changes everything, hell, he's not even here yet, and already things have shifted and changed. Some of those things I hope shift back after he's born, I hope they are about being pregnant and not about being a parent. Shit. A parent. I'm going to be someones Mom. That is still a total mind fuck to me. I just have this strange feeling of regret and excitement. Regret that I'm saying good bye to our newly married, we're a couple sort of life. And excitement about what is coming. What this boy will be like, how he will change the texture of our lives, because he will, and I know that, and sometimes that change excites me and sometimes that change fills me with dread. It just feels like this complicated mix of emotions. Maybe it's pregnancy that's making me feel this way. It's unpopular to say, but I am DONE being pregnant. I am done with the constant physical discomfort. I am done with not being able to feel the tips of my fingers. I am done! done! done! with not having the energy to work out the way I want to. I am done with this heavy feeling. I want to feel light again. I want to be able to jump up and run up the stairs. I want to be able to move again. I want this baby to be on the outside of me so that I can see his face and what he's doing and then put him to bed and have a glass of wine with no guilt. I've had a few drinks during this pregnancy but they always fill me with guilt so I just gave up entirely. Sigh. I am just feeling weighed down. Literally and figuratively. I know this will pass, I know that when he's finally here, all of this stuff will subside and that we'll incorporate him into our daily lives with an adjustment here, and an adjustment there and we'll keep going. Moving forward into this new life.

bizarre and annoying

A while back I thought I had carpal tunnel. My wrist always hurt, mainly when I used the mouse, and I would get shooting pain up into my shoulder. But no, I'm thinking that wasn't it at all. Because NOW? Oh, that's what I have for sure. THIS is carpal tunnel. My numb hands wake me in the middle of the night. Gripping a pen kinda hurts the inside of my hand in a really odd sort of way. Oh and the numbness doesn't ever really go away. Like right now, as I type this, my fingertips are a little numb. It is bizarre and annoying. I know it's a pregnancy thing and should hopefully go away after the baby is born (someone said it could last for up to six months after the baby is born but I am not going to think about that because that is effed up)  but I now have a new empathy for people who have this all of the time. I may get those ultra sexy wrist brace things to wear to bed, I'm just not sure my husband can handle all of the sexiness.

My sweet niece called me last night very upset that her friend is moving back to Korea. Yeah. Korea. So it's not like you can console her with "We can go visit her sometime!" She was so heartbroken on the phone and there's nothing you can really say to an 8 year old who is losing a friend. I remember that feeling all too well, except we were always on the other end, we were the family who was leaving. We moved around a lot, mainly when I was too little to remember, so there are only two moves that stick out in my mind: Our move from Dallas to Lincoln (Nebraska) and our move back from Lincoln to Dallas 6 years later. I think the move back was probably harder than the move there, simply because of my age. It just broke my heart listening to her weep like that. She has cried on the phone with me before, if she's gotten in trouble or if she's physically hurt, but this was different. It was just sadness and there was nothing I could really do or say to make that any better. Sometimes you have to say good bye to friends and it's sad, that's just how life is. That's hard to take when you're 8 and friendships are hard for you to develop. She's a quirky little girl and making friends is not always the easiest thing. Not because she isn't sweet and outgoing, it's not a shyness thing, it just an awkward thing. She's a tomboy, she likes to run and jump and ride her skateboard, so things other girls her age are into just don't interest her and so hence friendships with girls her age are spare. (Boys on the other hand are no problemo.) Oh man, I have so much of this kind of stuff in my future, this baby will eventually be 8 years old and have his own little person crisis's and we'll have to navigate those. And then he'll be a teenager and I'm just going to let his father deal with that because if he is anything like his father was as a teenager we are in for some bullshit! Karma for my husband is coming and I'm just going to try and stay out of the way.

Work is winding down, although I took on a smallish crisis project that put me in direct contact with some of our new coworkers in another state. Originally my boss asked the person who's taking over for me to work it, but later, when it was just the two of us, I asked him if he wanted me to just handle it and he said yes. So I'm working with the other office to expedite something that is urgent on their end and I keep my fingers crossed every day that it goes seamlessly and that I leave them with a good impression. I want them to know my name and have experience working with me because I'm going to be out for 3 months and I worry about being out of sight out of mind. I don't worry that my coworker is going to do such a wonderful job and that I'll be replaced, I worry more that they will move my position to the other office and that would leave me jobless. We'd all be naive to think that there won't be downsizing in our office, because there will be, when you have two companies who do very similar things, you take the best from each office and let others go. I'm just trying to make sure that the job I do stays in Dallas and that is hard to do while on maternity leave, so if I can plant some seeds now, I will. This is the second time I've made a calculated move to put myself out front. It's new behavior for me really, I don't like to be out front, but I would like leaving this job to be my decision, not one hoisted upon me in a layoff situation. We'll see how things go.