Hide The Mess

actual healing powers

I believe in the healing power of shoes. So I got these. And they rule. They also make me very tall. Which I kinda dig. Although, I've just upped the odds I'll trip and fall on my ass because I'm just graceful like that. But I can't care about that right now. I'm too busy imagining all of the places I'm going to wear these shoes, and I'm cursing my conservative bank job and their No Open Toe Shoes policy which I HATE with the kind of hate most people save for child molesters and puppy killers.

not in a gay way

After work I joined my Dad and The Cool Step Mom for an adult beverage and as my Dad walks me to my car he looks down at my shoes, points and says "Those are some nice looking shoes." [He was not being sarcastic. For once.]
My Dad can totally appreciate a good shoe, and not in a gay way. (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)
He gets awesome points for that.

It's like I'm wearing Chic Jeans when everyone else is wearing Guess

Sometimes I buy clothes that I never wear. It's not like I have a shopping problem, although I'm sure there are people who would beg to differ but I put my hands over my ears and in a sing song voice say "I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you. Tra-la-la-la." when those people talk because I DO NOT HAVE A SHOPPING PROBLEM. 
It's not like I'm just buying things to buy them, or amassing such vast quantities of clothing that I just don't have time to wear them all - no, it's not that. See, what happens is I'll  buy something that I think maybe a Cool Person might wear, which is someone I WANT to be, but not so much the person I actually AM and since whatever it is I'm buying is a departure from my real life personality, I'll have to get new shoes. And probably a new purse. And figure out how someone cool might wear their hair when they wear this outfit. And even if I do manage to pull all of the necessary accoutrements together - which could take weeks -  by then maybe I'll realize how un-cool the thing I thought might be cool is or I'll discover that Cool People wouldn't be caught dead wearing that or maybe it will be a completely different season and  … wait who the hell am I kidding, there are no seasons in Texas, it's either Hot, Fucking Hot or Oh My God The Fucking HEAT,  so that's not really an issue, but still.
The problem is I have two dresses hanging in my closet that I've never worn. Oh, I've put them both on, numerous times. And yet, I can not seem to get myself to wear them out of the house. It's like I'm playing dress up, pretending to be cool but not doing a very good job of it because deep down I know that whatever it is I'm wearing is just not quite right. Like I have the idea of the cool outfit, but the execution is all wrong. Like I'm wearing Chic jeans when everyone else is wearing Guess.
For weeks I've been trying to find the right shoes for that red dress with the little white polka dots and since I'm a Cheap Whore I've been waiting for a sale, or for the Shoe Gods to deliver the perfect pair directly to my house. The shoe sale got here first. (but oh how I wait for the Shoe Gods!)  And it was calling my name with its seductive Buy One Pair Get The Second Pair Half Off Voodoo - and it was more than I could resist  - so I finally found shoes for that dress.  And I went home, put on the dress and the shoes and as I'm looking in the mirror,  I realize I might never wear either one of these things outside of my apartment. The dress … I still love. The shoes … make me feel a little … sassy (?) … or maybe a little bit like Bettie Page. But inside I'm still the Not Quite Cool version of myself, wearing my TJ Maxx dress and Payless shoes.

What NOT To Wear

Should I be concerned that one of the participants on the show What Not To Wear was wearing something I own in the secret 'your wardrobe sucks and needs to be set on fire' footage? Granted, it's not something I wear to work, but still, there I was watching this chick and she's wearing a t-shirt that I not only own but have WORN within the last five days and I wonder, first of all, if she too got that t-shirt at Target, and second of all, if it was the wearing of the shirt in general that was considered a fashion violation or if the fact that she was wearing it to work is what set off the fashion alarm? I generally watch What Not To Wear because I enjoy the whole "before & after" thing. And making fun of other peoples HORRIBLE clothing choices. It makes me feel better about my own considering a good portion of my closet contains clothes purchased at places like Target and Ross Dress for Less and sometimes even Wal-Mart because I'm a cheap bitch, and seriously, Ross Dress For Less has some AWESOME stuff that is WAY inexpensive and that is something I can totally get on board with. Anyway, it gave me pause that something I own was on that show. Maybe I need a complete fashion overhaul. Now if only someone would give me $5,000.00 to replace my wardrobe like they do on that show, I would be SET.

My Farting Shoes

My new shoes made my feet fart, serves me right for not wearing any socks, which is against the Conservative Bank Dress Code anyway … but I am a rule breaker! I live on the edge! I take RISKS!  I will not wear socks! Although, I did  want to announce  “it’s my SHOE making that noise!”  any time I walked somewhere, but I didn’t because maybe no one heard it so then I’d just be some random girl talking about her shoe for no reason and I really don’t need anymore “weird girl” points on the board thankyouverymuch.   (Especially after the testicle snafu earlier this week.)  I finally just had to go out at lunch and get some of those  little socks that aren’t really socks but are more like those things you find in shoe stores that look like nylons but are just for the bottom and outer edges of the foot. I’ve never actually used those things in shoe stores, mostly because I don’t go to shoe stores that are quite that fancy … and by fancy I mean places that do not also sell groceries.  It did  stop the farting but the blister on my heel hurt enough to remind me that the shoes will always have their revenge. I'll totally wear them again … I’m a glutton for punishment like that. Speaking of punishment, I saw KW The Therapist last week … and I guess that’s not really punishment but it’s not always the most fun thing I get to do once a month. Sometimes I think I’m doing really well with the whole eating disorder thing and then I’ll start to talk about it and discover that I’m really still all kinds of fucked up. I take the unpopular position of just living with it instead of trying to recover from it or trying to fix it …  because believe you me I’ve  tried every trick in the therapy handbook and nothing has worked long term.  KW said I’ve just resigned myself to it, as if I was just giving up …  and in some ways he’s right, but not entirely.  It’s just the more I’ve tried to eat like a normal person, the more crazy I’ve felt and the more I obsessed about it I become.  So I just made the decision to stop putting all that effort into trying to fix it and beating the hell out of myself when I failed, which I always did,  and that failure would just send me into a fucking binge from hell which would make me feel like SHIT, which in turn,  would set off not eating AT ALL, and then, more feeling like shit … so I just threw my hands up and said fuck it. I’d rather just eat fucked up and have that be ok than stay on THAT little merry go round.  I know it’s fucked up that the most difficult decisions I have to make every day are what to eat, but this is how it is, and I know that nothing stays the same, that it’ll change, and maybe I’ll figure out a better way, but until then, I guess I will just sort of hang out in this place.