Yesterday I turned forty. It is kinda tripping me out. Not because I'm getting old (because: duh), it's just weird to me that I'm forty. I remember when my parents turned forty and if memory serves, it's when they both lost their goddamn minds. So I'm looking forward to that. Heh. Actually, I lost my mind a long time ago so I am ahead of the game. I keep thinking that when my parents were this age they had teenagers and had been married for 20 years. WEIRD. I've been married 3 years and I have a 1 year old. And I'm about to buy a house for the first time. We sign the papers today at 1pm. I think once we leave with keys in hand my husband will finally be able to exhale. We have worked really hard the last two years to get to a place financially where we can buy a house. We spent time and money cleaning up our credit reports and my husband spent hours trolling real estate sites looking for the perfect home in the perfect neighborhood. The housing market is such that we got an unheard of interest rate, fixed, for 30 years. The home we'll own as of today needs love and attention, but it is by no means what I'd call a fixer upper. I was wary of buying something that would require loads of work, my husband likes to transform things and remodel things, and fix things up. I was worried he'd find something that would be so outside my comfort zone in terms of condition that it would cause tension between us. But I worried for nothing. We could move into that house today if we wanted to, nothing is so bad or needs so much work that it's unlivable. We won't move in right way, we still have to give notice where we live now and while the house is empty my husband wants to get the inside painted - so we'll take a few weeks to get that stuff done and then start the process of moving all of our stuff that is crammed into this house into a bigger space. I dread the moving and packing process, but I always do, so whatever. I'll get over it. I want to use this move as an opportunity to purge things in our home that we don't use, that we haven't unpacked since we moved here two years ago. In fact, I'm looking at a filing cabinet right now that will have 90% of its contents trashed. I never open those drawers and there are probably 10 things in there worth saving, everything else is just nonsense that I've not parted with because sometimes I am secretly a hoarder in training.
In baby news, I guess my kids not really a baby anymore. I think he qualifies as a toddler. So strange. When I look at him I still see a baby and I wonder if this is how my parents feel when they look at my sister and I. We're still babies, even though we are in our forties. (!) Being a parent is not easy work, at least it's not for me. I think maybe it's not easy for anyone. There are aspects of parenting that are second nature, but on the flip side, there are aspects that test my patience, that feel counter to how thought I would be, and that push me to an edge that I wasn't even aware was there in the first place. The things I thought would come naturally, do, but the things that trip me up, always surprise me. I always knew that being a mother was my thing and if I won the lotto tomorrow I would ditch the 8-5 job and do the stay at home mom thing. I'd probably have some other job too, but it would be secondary.
Speaking of jobs, oh my sweet LORD BABY JESUS. Things are spinning out and I am so tired, tired, tired of hearing that we will just have to figure out a way to mange the volume the best we can because no help is budgeted for 2012. Um, look, when everyone on the team has an average of 20 projects and my coworker and I have 65+ - there is fucking problem. And I feel like a broken record saying it over and over again to my boss and her boss that we need additional resources. The load is such that when I look at it I feel over whelmed and don't know where to start and want to throw my hands up and say: I GIVE UP. But I can't. Because I need the job (see aforementioned house buying) and we need the benefits that my job provides. But I swear to you, if I didn't need this job, I would not stay. I know my coworker is going to double down on his efforts to find something else and that makes me feel all sweaty and nervous with panic. OMG I do not want him to leave. But I understand why he wants to. It is seriously fucked up.
Blech. No more of that. It's depressing.
Circling back to birthday talk. I am not one for parties in my honor. I don't like all the people looking at me. I don't like to be the center of attention in that way. So when my husband asked what I wanted to do and then stopped me and said "before you answer, just keep in mind that other people want to do things for your birthday and maybe you could consider them before you say anything." which was his way of saying we're going to do something and it will involve more than our small little three person family. Last year I told my husband on my 40th we could have a party. It was the only way I could guarantee that he would not throw me a surprise party, because that kind of shit is what my nightmares are made of. I do not want a surprise party. Ever. So I told him go ahead, plan a party. Except we started the whole house buying thing and he is a dude and can only do one thing at a time, so there was no big 40th birthday bash. HA. I win! But there was a dinner with my dad and step mom, my sister in law and brother in law, and my best friend and her troop of kids. All total there were 12 of us for dinner, and while it was fun, at one point I escaped to the bathroom to be alone. All of the noise and people and chaos got to me and I needed to GET AWAY. Events like that always leave me feeling like I didn't get to talk to anyone about anything. I have the toddler I'm trying to manage, I'm trying to make sure I hug and talk to everyone and in the end, I don't feel like I got to connect with anyone. I didn't get to visit with my dad and step mom very much, or my in laws, or ... anyone. But as long as everyone else had a great time, I guess that's what matters. Wow. I sound like a sad doormat. It's not like that. Really.