Hide The Mess

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The bird that made it's nest in our watering can has laid eggs!  This has me so excited, and a little worried. I do hope that nothing happens to those eggs and that the momma bird has found a safe home there in the watering can. You would think it's safe, but apparently the other night there was some sort of disturbance to the things on that shelf and I'm not sure if a raccoon tried to get to them or what but I feel strangely protective of those eggs. We have lots of wildlife where we live. We've had raccoons in our yard, the Bastard Squirrels, a turtle, frogs and now little baby bird eggs that will hopefully hatch into little baby birds. It's so fun to have all of that happening right in our backyard.

So, I have this spot on my back, actually it's two spots, and they itch pretty much 24/7. At first I thought I got bit by something, but the itching continues, two months later, and after much nagging from my husband, I've made an appointment to have that checked out. Plus, I have sun spots on my face, I'm going to have those checked too. No reason, other than I want someone to say, "yep, that's sun related or age related". I have a little anxiety about the itching back though. Mainly because my husband scared me and said it could be skin cancer, and then played the I Lived In Florida My Whole Life card - he claims this makes him more of an expert on what to look for and I kind of couldn't argue with that. So I'm going, but a little reluctantly.

Kid related thing, because what's a post without some kid news?

My son says the word "outside" like Sean Connery. Outshhhide. It is awesome.

strange days

This is one of those weirdo days where I would like to start over. I hate my hair. I feel fat in my clothes. And my period is almost over so I can't even blame my crazy lady hormones. I don't know why I feel all funky. I just do. I would like to take a shower and begin again. I would also like to tell the wanna be hair dresser in my head to stop it with the trimming of the bangs because she is just making it worse! Gah. So stupid. Why must I butcher my hair like that? Why can't I just leave well enough alone. Good thing about bangs though, they grow fast, so next week, I'm sure it will look fine, but right now all I have is hate directed towards my stupid bangs. I know, none of this is exciting, but that's what is rolling around in my head right now.

In other news: I went to water the plants outside and there's a birds nest in our watering can. I kinda love that, and I don't want to disturb the nest, so I guess I'm going to buy another watering can. In more plant related news, the two plants I wanted to water seem to be having a hard time with the whole staying alive thing, and we couldn't figure out what was happening, why they weren't thriving. Well, I know now: Squirrels. Little bastards. They are the reason I can't have a bird feeder in our backyard. Well, the raccoons are also part of that reason, but the squirrels are by far the most destructive. So irritating. I love having a bird feeder. I love watching the birds. I'm sure there are remedies for this, and in truth, I don't want to harm the little fuckers, I just want them to eat the five bajillion acorns on the ground instead of the birdseed in the feeder. Seriously. Nuts are everywhere, stop hijacking my bird feeder!

It is almost 1pm and my son has been napping since 10:45am. I LOVE THAT. I hope he sleeps a little longer, so we can have a fun filled afternoon that wears his little fanny out before he goes to bed tonight. I still obsess about his sleeping. We're having trouble getting into a groove, although I'm hoping now that he's well and can sleep better thanks to his VERY EXPENSIVE allergy medication, his sleep starts to sort itself out. Yesterday he was up before 5am (I know! WTF?) and this morning he slept until after 6am. It's so hard to plan a day when I never know what time he's going to get up or how many naps he'll take. I swear to God, he's going to be in college and I'll probably nag him about sleeping. And I swear to God one more time, because I will talk about my kids sleeping issues and habits to anyone who will listen and then fall asleep myself because I'm bored with my own repetitive conversations about it.

when baby is happy, we are all happy

My sweet son is well. He is sleeping, he is delightful when awake, and he is all around a joy to be with. This past week we had the double whammy of a stomach virus and wicked allergies. We've been trying to find something that works on his allergies, he had a persistent cough for close to three months, a cough that would wake him multiple times in the night. It was horrible. We switched from an over the counter allergy medication to a prescription and so far: success! The last two nights he's slept right through for more than 10 hours at a time. No small feat for my son and one that resulted in much joyous celebration! I think the combination of my son feeling better and me being on an anti-depressant has resulted in a mood for myself that can only be described as bliss. I feel so happy today. So damn grateful for this life. My life. It's a beautiful thing.

woman's work

My son is sick. I have been up most of the night. I am so weary. I see the day stretched ahead of me and I am just hoping that I can make it to bedtime without losing my mind. He was sent home from daycare with 102.5 degree temp. Each time the medicine wears off, it shoots back up. He is uncomfortable. He cries and moans. I do not know what to do. Is this normal, toddler sickness? Should he see his doctor? Maybe I should switch medicines? Maybe I'm doing it ALL WRONG. Fuck. Being the mom is hard. Hard physically, there feels like there is sand in my eyes. Hard emotionally, my baby is sick and I can't seem to fix it. Hard mentally, what if something horrible is wrong? What if I'm missing something obvious?

Sigh. He is crying again. I must go. I must go.

Momma! Momma! Momma!

That's what my son now says as he points excitedly when I walk in the room. I know some toddlers say this earlier, and I guess he's made the "mmmm" noise before and it kinda sorta sounded like mmmmaaammmaaaa but now? Now, he gets it. I'm momma. It is awesome. He's trying to communicate with words more now, which thrills me to no end. I've said before I can't wait for him to talk, and maybe I'll regret wishing for it so much, but I really do want to hear what he thinks and hear his little voice and just get to know him that way.

This weekend, being Mother's Day weekend and all, we're having lunch with the Mother In Law on Saturday and then lunch with my mom and grandmother on Sunday. Can I just be tacky for a second? I'm a mom now, why can't I just do whatever the hell I want and not have all these damn family obligations? I know, I know, there are folks without mothers and grandmothers who would love to spend time with their families on Mothers day. I should be grateful and all that bullshit, but honestly, sometimes it's just one big gigantic pain in my ass. One obligation after another. That is what my extended family is to me sometimes, just one gigantic obligation. I'm sure I'm going to hell for feeling this way.

My son's daycare is putting on a Mom & Me type of tea party this afternoon - in honor of Mother's Day. I am STOKED. Granted, my son is only 18 months and won't know WTF is going on but it should be fun anyway. Plus, it means I'm checking out of work early. Yee. Haw.

real time

I watched something unfold on Twitter the other day. Someone I'd never heard of killed himself. Posted a final post on his blog - then his Twitter family / followers spent part of an afternoon  trying to locate his address and send the police and at the end of the day, it was confirmed he'd killed himself. Such a strange thing. It made me sad, for someone I didn't know, someone who obviously was in a tremendous amount of pain. I don't really have anything to say about it other than watching that unfold on Twitter was so strange and so unsettling for some reason. I hope whoever he was, that he now has the peace he so desperately desired.

Day Five

Five days I've been on this anti-depressant and on day three I said to my husband that I felt different. But that wasn't actually accurate. I don't feel different. I feel like myself. Like something has been smoothed over inside. I don't wake up resentful and mad. I feel more patient with everyone, more importantly, myself. I know the doctor said it could be weeks before I felt a difference, but for me, the shift was almost immediate. I don't know how much of that is in my head, and I don't think it even matters. I feel better. I feel like me. Finally.

In other news, my son is starting to babble - a lot. He has done this off and on, but I think his language is really starting to take off. He points to the door and says "outside". Or at least, something that resembles the word "outside". He says mama, and cold, and he looks at things and babbles about them, saying something in his baby language in that little baby voice that is so sweet I want to die from the cuteness. I have wanted him to talk for a while. I want to be able to communicate with him. I'm a lady of words and talking and saying things out loud. I love that he's starting to get it, he's starting to communicate in a way that I can kind of sort of understand. I remember this phase from my nieces and nephews. That gibberish language of a toddler that can be maddening and endearing and sweet. He points to the sky and says "airpane". He points to cars (trucks and anything else with four wheels) and says "ca". In fact, sometimes he sounds like a bird - ca! ca! ca! So cute and sweet. He is growing at lightening speed - just like every mother on the planet warned me he would. I look at pictures from a few months ago and the baby he was has disappeared and has been replaced with this little man-child. He is stubborn, like most toddlers. He wants what he wants when he wants it and denying him, even if it's just for a moment, has resulted in some epic fits. He has yet to throw himself on the floor and have a full on tantrum, but I can see that is in my near future.

What I love right now:

How my son uses my hair as his security blanket. If I were to cut my hair, I think he would be traumatized. First thing in the morning, when he's still waking up, he wraps his arms around my neck and buries his hands in my hair. He holds my hair when I'm rocking him. He holds it when he is upset or tired or needs comfort. I thought he would have a blanket or a stuffed animal as a lovey. Turns out, his lovey is my hair. I often wonder if I'm raising a boy to become a man who loves the long haired ladies. There are worse things, I guess.

meds

I'm going to start on an anti-depressant. I thought that might be the course of action my doctor wanted to take. I don't have crazy period cycles or weird flow issues - so she wants to start with this and see how it goes. I'm ok with that I guess. I just want to feel like myself. I am tired of my irrational crazy inside self. I am tired of having to constantly keep my shit in check because my outside does not match my inside, if it did, I would have destroyed all my relationships by now with my insane craziness and mood swings from hell. But I can't keep pretending that things are fine inside when they aren't. So, fingers crossed that I'm on the right path.

This weekend we are taking the kid to the zoo. I am crazy excited about this. Yesterday I took him to the pet store and OH MY GOD, he was so excited about the fish and the birds and the cats. I can't wait to watch him react to more exotic animals! It is so fun seeing these things through my kids eyes. Little things are so exciting and it is a gentle reminder to stop and look at things because there's wonder all around.

adventures in (not) sleeping

Holy Christ on a cracker. I feel like I am in a never-ending cycle of sleep interrupting bullshit. For a month and a half now my kid has been one of these things: feverish, snotty, coughing, liquid shitting, horrific diaper rashing, and now back to feverish with a side of teething. What. The. Fuck. He was up crying four times last night. Which means that I was also up, and wanting to cry. I want my kid to feel better so that he sleeps better so that I sleep better so that I do not feel crazy. I chant to myself that some day he will be a surly teenager that sleeps all damn day but that mantra isn't really making me feel any better. Maybe I should get a new mantra. And I know it sounds shitty but on days like this, our decision to have only one child seems like the most genius decision in the history of decision making because I can't imagine having this toddler AND a newborn. Just... no. I already don't sleep for shit because even if my kid DOES manage to sleep through (which he hasn't in almost 2 months), I still wake up for some unknown reason and that is annoying as fuck.

And to make this morning even better, my stupid ass remote connection to my office is jacked up, as it has been for the last three Wednesdays in a row. I know they are running some maintenance and it requires a restart of my computer but I work remote on Wednesdays so I am not there to restart which means I have to find someone in the office to do it or go up there myself, which is a huge pain in my ass.

Wow. I am a ray of fucking sunshine.

hormonal bitch

I am totally hormonal. I would say, 75% of the time. And that is a conservative guess. I've made an appointment with my obgyn for Friday to discuss this shit because I am kind of tired of not liking ... most things. Myself. My husband. My life. My job. Like seriously, happiness seems elusive lately, and when I say "lately" I mean: always. It's always elusive. The thing is, I could go back to therapy but I'm self aware enough to know that I can't think myself out of this one. I can't "act as if" enough, or "fake it until I make it" enough to get around this. And I hate myself a lot lately, mainly after I have had a rage filled internal dialogue directed at my spouse. The guilt. My GOD the guilt. And the self loathing. The things I think in my head, that I do not say out loud and can't even bring myself to say out loud even to my best friend, they are awful. And not true. Not even remotely true. But they well up in some sort of fountain of rage inside my head and I want to scream my face off but I don't because I know it's all crazy and not real and not true. But the thoughts are there.  I just don't want to be this person anymore. Maybe I need some lady hormone adjustment. Maybe I need an anti-depressant. Maybe I need a reality check. But I need something. Some outside help that isn't found in the herbal aisle at Walgreens. Fingers crossed that on Friday I get some help. Even if that help is a swift kick in the vagina.