My transgendered niece is legally changing her name. We've been calling her by a boy name for months now, changing the pro-nouns, she is now he. The name thing isn't a change that can't be undone. The marker, whether she is legally a boy or girl, remains, she is female. But she lives and exists as male. So, she is he a little bit more now. One in five children this age remain on the transgendered path, so it is possible that some day he will return to being she. But knowing what I know about this kid, that is 75% unlikely. When the family talks about life before she was a he, they say things like "before we knew you were a boy", because when they said "before you were a boy" they were quickly corrected that HE has always known he was a boy. So now, life before the understanding, is referred to "before we knew you were a boy." Semantics I guess, but important to a 10 year old. He wants us to know he has always known he was not a girl.
I am still struggling with all of this. I have trouble articulating exactly how I feel. Which is unusual for me, I'm pretty good at naming and identifying my own emotions, but this? This is so different, and how I feel about it is so hard to explain. This particular child, who is technically not even my nephew, but my cousins child, has always been near and dear to my heart. When (s) he was born I looked into those eyes and fell madly in love. I felt bonded to (her) him. I don't and haven't felt that way in a while. Some of that has to do with me and my life. When (s) he was born I was single, thought I would remain so for the rest of my life, and ached for children that I thought I would never have, so I folded my cousin's kids into me as if they were my own. Especially this one. Then I met my husband, got married and had a child of my own. In that time, my relationship with those kids has drifted and shifted. I am not a single person with unlimited time and resources to be with those kids. My life is different and I feel waves of guilt that I am not as ingrained into their lives as I once was. Their home was my second home. I was there - constantly - and loved it. And now, the divide between me and this kid is wider. I love him, always. No matter what his name, no matter what his gender, no matter what. But I am struggling with all of this. Struggling to understand my own feelings. Maybe once I can understand how I feel, I can move through these emotions instead of feeling stuck and a little bit afraid.
I am still struggling with all of this. I have trouble articulating exactly how I feel. Which is unusual for me, I'm pretty good at naming and identifying my own emotions, but this? This is so different, and how I feel about it is so hard to explain. This particular child, who is technically not even my nephew, but my cousins child, has always been near and dear to my heart. When (s) he was born I looked into those eyes and fell madly in love. I felt bonded to (her) him. I don't and haven't felt that way in a while. Some of that has to do with me and my life. When (s) he was born I was single, thought I would remain so for the rest of my life, and ached for children that I thought I would never have, so I folded my cousin's kids into me as if they were my own. Especially this one. Then I met my husband, got married and had a child of my own. In that time, my relationship with those kids has drifted and shifted. I am not a single person with unlimited time and resources to be with those kids. My life is different and I feel waves of guilt that I am not as ingrained into their lives as I once was. Their home was my second home. I was there - constantly - and loved it. And now, the divide between me and this kid is wider. I love him, always. No matter what his name, no matter what his gender, no matter what. But I am struggling with all of this. Struggling to understand my own feelings. Maybe once I can understand how I feel, I can move through these emotions instead of feeling stuck and a little bit afraid.
Be your own brave self. You'll be fine. Love ya. ~LD
Posted by: Lora D. | September 23, 2012 at 10:04 PM